It's taken me some time (I swear, no pun intended) to figure out why certain things have happened to me during the course of my life. I will never understand the timing of my grandfather's death, but I do see the timing of my visit to Italy in 2010 that I got to see my great-uncle before he passed. I understand the timing behind my getting into Gonzaga University and then having to withdraw for financials. I was able to take a semester off after two years at a community college, really figure out what I wanted out of my college career, dedicate a good amount of time to co-leading a confirmation retreat and spend time with friends and family. That was the last time I really took a good, long break.
Timing has worked it's ways over me a lot professionally. I had a job as a manager of a shave ice shop in March-July 2010. I had also interviewed at a mobile company at the same time. I didn't hear from them so I took the shave ice managerial spot. It turned out that it wasn't what I wanted to be doing and out of the blue, the mobile company called, called asking me to interview. That set into place my meeting one of my dearest friends, who I'm happy to say is also getting out of that company now. I was with them for 2 years and 2 months. Probably a year too long, but again, timing is everything. I took a personal leave from work after just not being able to handle it anymore. I needed a breather from the company, the day in-day out slog of forceful retail sales, the anxiety of not making numbers and the crappy feeling I got from having to sell something I no longer believed in. Last March (2014), I interviewed at a university and the interview was promising but the position went to an internal candidate. It hurt, but I trudged on.
Right before I took my personal leave, I had re-applied for a similar position with the university. The day after my leave began, I got a call for an interview. I went on three interviews and had a new job within two weeks of my leave. I was SO relieved and happy and felt like a million tons had been lifted from my shoulders that I sobbed on my bed after hanging up with HR and accepting the offer. Tears of utter joy and relief, that good, whole-body wracking cry that throws everything off. It was cleansing. I walked around on cloud 9 the whole next few days. And guess what? I've been at my new job almost five months and I love it. I love being back on a college campus, but on the other side. I love being around academics and watching people pursue a higher education. I had been going for my MBA through a education allowance with my old job but stopped the classes when I realized I had to get out. Looking back, I have no idea what I was going to do with an MBA. Being back in academia land, I've come to realize that what I wanted as a kid, to be a teacher, might still be a reality that I can achieve. I might think I'm getting too old for things, but one of my parents' best friends went back and got her degree in nursing when she was just a few years away from being a grandma. You're never too old for something new.
So I think I'll go back to school and get a new degree and pursue teaching. I want to teach history, specifically US History. I wrote a paper in my junior year of high school on the role that US women played on the home-front and battlefront in World War II and I don't know that I've seen a class taught about it. I can take classes for free as a full time employee at the university, so it'll take a long time. I'm ok with that.
Timing also has had it's hand in relationships, but not as much as my educational and professional life. I've met people, friends and romantic relationships alike, at times when I needed them, or when I wasn't looking for them but now realize that they were there. I've also fallen out of friendships at times that I still don't understand completely. I still get mad when I think about a certain failed friendship. It ended right before college ended and I guess, in some twisted way, it's poetic. My sister asked me the other day how it could still sting and how I could still react so bitterly at mentions of it after almost 4 years. That friendship was a 21 year friendship. Of COURSE it still stings. Of course I still have a bitter taste in my mouth. It ended for reasons that could have been avoided and the only way I kept my head in it all was to end it. I miss that person, I miss who that person used to be. I have no idea what that person is like anymore. I wonder all the time, but I doubt I'll ever get to know.
I really haven't had that many romantic relationships, and I think I'm okay with that. I've prided myself on the fact that I was never a girl to depend on a guy's approval for personal happiness. I had a conversation with one of my best friends recently about how years of crappy exes made her doubt herself and it took her now forever relationship to undo the damage. I said that I thought that was why I was okay still...I don't have any crappy exes who ever made me doubt myself. If there was even a hint of negativity in that way, they were gone. Out the door. Buh-bye. Don't need you. But I also do wonder if I already know the man I'm going to end up with. It might be a friend that I've known for years that could develop in the future. It could be a casual acquaintance I've seen around. Or someone else. Who knows, I don't.
I'm finally at the point in my life where I have realized that as much as I am in charge, I am most definitely not. I have the power to make decisions on how I spend my time, but who I interact with is up to timing on their parts. It's almost exciting to have this feeling.
This was long and rambling and felt good. Writing is so therapeutic. I think I'll do this more often....again. :)
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