This is the first summer in a long, long time that I have not had a job. I mean I know I am doing an internship here but it's not as stressful as past summers have been and I am not working a second "job" for income. It's been nice. And for a few weeks I let myself enjoy the freedom of it. But now...well the worry is starting to close in again. I'm starting to get into school mode again (I know I know I have 5 more weeks left why am I letting myself get like this already). I just wish that everything was easier to foresee. I wish I knew that I was going to be able to go back home and find a good paying job and that everything would be ok. It's nerve-wracking. I realized earlier this week that I had to also think about buying books for my classes. Luckily they're not that expensive (thank goodness) and I have one already. And I hope I can get enough hours right when I get back. It's not that I'm looking forward to working again...I just need to. I need to feel like I'm doing something again. I have learned that about myself this summer. As carefree as I act, I really need to always be busy with something. Need to be working on something or my mind gets idle and I start to get bored and impatient. I like doing what I do and I wish I had more to do of it. That is why I'm looking forward to this fall so much. I worked it out so I have 5 classes on two days a week and 3 days a week where I can work work work. Hopefully I can find a place that will allow me to do that. I might even get 2 jobs just so I can be busy. I've done it before. Also I think I'm going to need it. I'm going to miss this place so much that I just need to keep busy and not think about it. Oh my mind is all over the place right now. I'm also slightly sick. Woke up with a nasty runny nose and my cough just won't go away. And this heat. Oooh the heat is not helping. And that sounded a little like complaining. I'm not. Just stating my feelings.
I need a plan. I need to know what I'm doing this fall now. Which is why I've been looking up companies all week and trying to email companies about possible fall internships. No dice so far. It's also the time difference. They probably get thousands of emails a day so when I email them at 3 am their time...well it's down the pile and probably won't be found for days. I am nervous. I don't like being nervous. I'm usually a very confident person who knows exactly where she's going within the next few months. Now I don't. I do have a faint idea but nothing set in stone and that is starting to creep into my brain and bug me. I was chatting with a friend about my summer and he commented that by the time I get to NY I'm just going to want to get to school and get to work. He knows me too well. That is probably true but I will try my hardest not to think about it. That week is with Samantha. And it will be filled with catching up with her while lounging in her pool, going to the beach and going ocean kayaking (now THAT makes me excited). Until then I will try not to let my mind wander into nervousness. I will do what I need to do and then I will let it rest. Yes, that's what I'll do. Ok thanks for reading along with my rambling mind...like I said it's all over the place right now.
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